I want this to be the last time ill write about you.
You were unexpected. But it felt right. I thought you came just on time. I got scared, yes. And like you it is hard trusting again. But I saw something special somewhere in between us. So I allowed myself to hope and expect. It was for me, beautiful. Something pure and simple. Something honest. Something thatll last. Something real. I smiled at the thought of you. It lighted me up. It inspired me. I believe i was taking the right path. To just be slow and sincere. Praying about everything. Waiting patiently.
I often had day dreams. You and me just conversing. And then laughing. Funny that i had imagined us jogging having to sit in the gutter, hands already holding our favorite ice cream. I am sitted beside you. Just still, there, staring at this lovely sunset. Having not to care about anything but to make time stop (even just for a couple of minutes) so i wont have to move away. To just feel the moment. To take that shortest most relevant time with you. To be myself. Silent and steady. I dont even need to stare at you. I just need that moment. Because i feel this exact moment is my only moment with you. And i want to take my time. Up to the last second of it. For i know I dont have a lifetime.
And then now the reality. I had to go. Be gone again. I had to leave. Be far. Miles away from you. Shutting my eyes tight. I know it wont be easy. I had to make a decision. The thought of turning my back, needing to delete those short memories (with you) is far more distant than our actual distance. I was battling on how to erase them when deep inside what i wanted was to retain them. At that, I felt cold. Or is it that i need to be numb?
I didnt know when this heart got tired. But she did. She cried. She had fears. She doubted. I thought youll always be there. But then i suddenly lose you. Just.Like.That. Snap! Youre gone. I felt broken. It did hurt. Decided to be ok with that. Then snap! Youre back. Tempted to ask why. But i think i dont want to try anymore. Coward it may seem, but maybe its better that way. To leave everything as it is. Change anew. Move forward. Again maybe this time youre more sure. But we ran in cycles. Snap one. Snap two. And theres me not knowing what to do.
I know who i am now. And i have to pick myself up. Bit by bit. I dont want to make this a big deal. For i cant blame you. And i dont want to. It was neither you nor me. This kind of meeting just happens. The inevitably ‘dormant’ type. It gets stranded in the lag phase. I wont say i never was sad and disappointed. Those times you were gone, i was. I waited. That feeling again of being left behind. I said oh, there it is again. The ghosting. The silence. The ignoring. The stalking. (Sorry, I missed our conversations.)
At some point i sensed you were happy. Or so i thought. But to receive real thoughts from someone does not happen everyday. So thank you for sharing them with me. I want to listen to you. ‘You’ consist your stories. I want to know and see you through them. (At least through them.) But when tables are turned, every information about me seemed written in the sand. All blown away. I cant keep myself quiet. You had me already. Sadly for me, we were on different pages.
Im gone now. I think thats the best option i have. Its something i choose to leave up to God. I surrender you to Him. Its not my power and will that can make your burdens go. It’s between you and God. I just would want to stay away. This i believe is what we need. What i need. To be away from you. To save us from being in the mess of uncertainties where no one likes to risk. (At least with me.)
So goodbye Mister. My prayers are always with you. God is waiting for you. Go knock at His door and seek Him. Be brave about the beautiful changes that will happen in your life. Soon. God bless you always!
Love from a good friend,