Dear MISter

Dear MISter

Dear Mister,

I want this to be the last time ill write about you.

You were unexpected. But it felt right. I thought you came just on time. I got scared, yes. And like you it is hard trusting again. But I saw something special somewhere in between us. So I allowed myself to hope and expect. It was for me, beautiful. Something pure and simple. Something honest. Something thatll last. Something real. I smiled at the thought of you. It lighted me up. It inspired me. I believe i was taking the right path. To just be slow and sincere. Praying about everything. Waiting patiently. 

I often had day dreams. You and me just conversing. And then laughing. Funny that i had imagined us jogging having to sit in the gutter, hands already holding our favorite ice cream. I am sitted beside you. Just still, there, staring at this lovely sunset. Having not to care about anything but to make time stop (even just for a couple of minutes) so i wont have to move away. To just feel the moment. To take that shortest most relevant time with you. To be myself. Silent and steady. I dont even need to stare at you. I just need that moment. Because i feel this exact moment is my only moment with you. And i want to take my time. Up to the last second of it. For i know I dont have a lifetime.

And then now the reality. I had to go. Be gone again. I had to leave. Be far. Miles away from you. Shutting my eyes tight. I know it wont be easy. I had to make a decision. The thought of turning my back, needing to delete those short memories (with you) is far more distant than our actual distance. I was battling on how to erase them when deep inside what i wanted was to retain them. At that, I felt cold. Or is it that i need to be numb?

I didnt know when this heart got tired. But she did. She cried. She had fears. She doubted. I thought youll always be there. But then i suddenly lose you. Just.Like.That. Snap! Youre gone. I felt broken. It did hurt. Decided to be ok with that. Then snap! Youre back. Tempted to ask why. But i think i dont want to try anymore. Coward it may seem, but maybe its better that way. To leave everything as it is. Change anew. Move forward. Again maybe this time youre more sure. But we ran in cycles. Snap one. Snap two. And theres me not knowing what to do.  

I know who i am now. And i have to pick myself up. Bit by bit. I dont want to make this a big deal. For i cant blame you. And i dont want to. It was neither you nor me. This kind of meeting just happens. The inevitably ‘dormant’ type. It gets stranded in the lag phase. I wont say i never was sad and disappointed. Those times you were gone, i was. I waited. That feeling again of being left behind. I said oh, there it is again. The ghosting. The silence. The ignoring. The stalking. (Sorry, I missed our conversations.)

At some point i sensed you were happy. Or so i thought. But to receive real thoughts from someone does not happen everyday. So thank you for sharing them with me. I want to listen to you. ‘You’ consist your stories. I want to know and see you through them. (At least through them.) But when tables are turned, every information about me seemed written in the sand. All blown away. I cant keep myself quiet. You had me already. Sadly for me, we were on different pages. 

Im gone now. I think thats the best option i have. Its something i choose to leave up to God. I surrender you to Him. Its not my power and will that can make your burdens go. It’s between you and God. I just would want to stay away. This i believe is what we need. What i need. To be away from you. To save us from being in the mess of uncertainties where no one likes to risk. (At least with me.)

So goodbye Mister. My prayers are always with you. God is waiting for you. Go knock at His door and seek Him. Be brave about the beautiful changes that will happen in your life. Soon. God bless you always! 

Love from a good friend,

M

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What’s in a relationship?

God. Love. Commitment.

The center and the source should be God. He first loved us. He created us to protect us. To nurture us. So to simplify all of these, God wanted to express His love to and for us, His chosen children. And the most powerful thing He did was to sacrifice His Son to save us! Isnt that wooow!!! Oh what kind of love enables that!

Now He wants to show us how to love others. Unconditional with pure intentions. Because we ought to have a healthy, strong and everlasting relationship.

Being involved in a relationship, God intends to make us more precious by doing all the necessary honing and molding. He cuts off all the fears and washes away all the doubts that had long been sitting in your heart. He replaces all your worries and pessimism with optimism. These all could take a lot of courage yes. But even that courage could come from Him. This is the kind of relationship we have with God. He will provide you all that you need. All thats required of you. As long as youd ask Him for it.

So yes we become the best version of ourselves. But why need to become the best? Easy. Because whoever that is that God has in store for you is the best as well. Both of you should keep up with each other. And the only One who could possibly do that is Him. He is the ultimate symbol of love. Whatever standards or ideals we have in relationships they all should come from what He had showed us.

Theyre all interrelated. God. Love. Commitment. With commitment comes clarity. And courage. From the very beginning there’s that explicit definition of ‘where youre both going’. And that is the union designed by God, marriage. Now why is it hard for some people to justify that a relationship should be clear right from the start? More importantly to both of you? I believe this has to do with commitment. The willingness to surrender oneself and immerse his whole life to and for the other person. To know that the bond should be unbreakable. Should be. Yes. When one is willing to commit and the other isnt, do we call it a relationship? No. It is just a questionable utterance of unsure emotions. Just emotions.

Now, where does commitment come from? Intentions. If a person’s goal in pursuing someone is marriage, then his commitment has already been fueled. There’s this line in between someone saying someday i will marry you. And in saying, lets just take it slow. Does being slow result to marriage? Maybe yes? But how about when theres no consistency? Are you being fast when youre sending signs of intending to marry someone? Well, when equipped with all the labor and the thriving to show him/her that youre not just interested but willing. All i can say is, a person ready to commit is consistent in thoughts, words and actions. Yes marriage takes time and effort. This i will agree. It involves careful planning. It involves a lot of decision making. It is a choice to start and remain in a relationship. But one must know that part of the stages of a budding relationship is letting the other person know what your intentions are. This makes you say yes more to the person. The sense of security would be there. Now i think the word i should mention here is courtship. Getting to know each other yes. But even in this stage, everything should be clear to both of you. Why you both agree that friendship is a great foundation. Why stay there first. Why you care. Why this early, loyalty must be established. And thats because both of you want to commit with the right and godly intentions.

Lets talk about fear. It sometimes is the shadow behind unclear ‘commitments’. Fear leads to denial of ones true feelings. Fear causes one to shut up. To choose silence over expression. To say nothing at all. Even if theres that act of caring. Which only leads to series of confusions because nothing has been said, as it is, nothing is clear. Its as if nothing is being pursued. All you do is ask. What am i to this person? Am i special? Or just someone to play his game with?

I would point out here how important friendship is. It is that part where you stay connected, sharing each other’s routines, beliefs, values and principles. Even ones struggles, disappointments and fears. In knowing a person deeper, you both observe each other’s compatibility and differences. And as the relationship develops you both will know if you need an ‘upgrade’. Key to that would be good communication. Those that you both hear, see, feel and grow from. Hear because something is said. See because something is done. Feel because something is expressed. Grow because you both remember youre still two people who need to flourish individually. Both of you should acknowledge how important that is.

Equally mature people who come to unite becomes stronger when their foundation is God and friendship. The love and commitment are made more evident by God. Nothing is certain yes. Nothing yet is apparent yes. When we only lean on our own understanding. Our way, not His. But when we seek God, He will define everything for you. That all you have to do is open your eyes and receive that person in your life. And everything that should be in a relationship is present. It may not be all perfect. But because God is your Manipulator, that peace will finally reside in your heart. That both of you will choose each other to love and to hold, for the rest of your lives. The two of you being connected intimately with God.

aj

Heartaches.

Heartaches are inevitable. God allows them. I was once, no, i wont say a victim, rather a participant. This is not a blame game. Just the truth. We have to address the fact that these instances should occur in our lives. As for me i learned a lot from getting my heart broken. The first time i would say was the worst. Perhaps because i did not know how to handle myself and the situation i was in at that time. But i praise the Lord for it created a scar that i will never forget. A scar that would make me pause for a moment and think things over. It made me wiser and better. A scar that may remind me of how painful it could be if i fail again. But this scar i would say made me resilient. Not numb. The heart could never be numb. No matter how calloused it is, it would still feel something. But it knows when not to mind. It knows already how to weigh emotions and its true feelings? Is it? At least i can say yes right now.

Now i feel i am midst a new heartbreak. But this time because everything is just uncertain. I dont hear anything. I am used to the assurance of being wanted and needed. Or maybe i am too assuming. Am i?

I feel The Spirit commands me to let go. So ill try. Then hopefully i can. So i will.

She Had it Almost

I sat in darkness.
Light was very less.
I thought I saw light in me.
But it was all temporary.
I saw someone bright and radiant.
Anyway that’s what we all want.
She had it almost.
Perhaps only something she can boast.

Only from the outside.
She can never run nor hide.
The inside was not at all empty.
It was filthy.
They were all hidden.
Close to being barren.

She felt ecstasy.
At the thought that she’s now full completely.
But no she wasn’t.
Her heart isn’t.
Struggling. Battling.
Hanging. Trying.

Lord, save me from here.
Please, my voice is it clear?
I want to be in full light.
I don’t want to be in any partiality.
Jesus can You hear me?

Jesus I Call

Laid in bed for eight hours or more.
Didn’t want to stand nor open that door.
What’s higher than lazy?
Is it not weary?

Weary of myself perhaps I am.
Tired of inconsistencies.
Me and those people I surround.
Gaining pound per pound.

Tempted to cut my hair.
Make it short and bare.
But I looked at the mirror and stopped.
I want something else from me cropped.

Is it my indecisiveness?
Or my fickleness?
Is it my fears?
Or the tears?

Self what is it?
Can you strip off your selfishness?
Be firm. Be willing.
Be sure. Always, from the beginning.

Can you close your eyes.
Let go of the ties.
Free yourself of them.
Stay out of the hem.

Oh God please help me.
I am out of control.
I need You I might fall.
O Father, Jesus I call!

What is my dream?

What is my dream?

I was inspired today to write about my dreams. Suddenly I realized I stopped dreaming! Because I have nothing to start with. I recalled every dream I had when I was a child and it’s funny because in those days I felt being thirty meant being old. Old as in successful. Old as in mature. Old as in independent. Old as in never scared. I had thoughts that growth would stop when you reach thirty and everything will be constant after that. Yet here I am thirty and wondering on ‘where’ my next chapter would be. Is it going to be here? Is it going to be somewhere? Where would my ‘next’ home be? Would that be the last? Everything seem unsure. And the more I realize that this, being 30, comes with more confusing twists. I create my future roles in life. But at the back of my head questions like, Am I going to be a good wife? A good mother?, still exist. Those dreams I was very sure will all happen before, now are paired with uncertainties.

Now what is my dream? I thought deeper. And they all just keep coming as I’m writing this.

To become at peace with my life. To learn to be content in what I will achieve in the future. This doesn’t mean I would sit around and wait for higher successes to come and kiss me, without giving life a good fight at what is thrown at me. No! My dream is to be courageous. More of it so whatever unexpected things happen you’ll see me there fighting. Not retreating. May that fight be mine or with the people I love.

My dream is to have a heart of compassion and passion. To be more selfless and giving. And to be true to my principles and values. I think that would be easier to influence others. Another dream of mine. To be a good example. I would never be perfect. I would have mistakes. I would trip, I would commit wrong decisions. But I want people to see that they are not alone at being imperfect and at the same time make them realize that every fall is a lesson learned. And in every lesson one gains experience. Experience that forever will be in their hearts. Rooted, therefore easily radiated to others. My dream is to read a lot. Write a lot. Be excellent at this. Not to prove anything but to express everything. These pieces of words sitting side by side are expressions on how life works with you. Or even if it doesn’t. Nevertheless, these words are your blood ink. The very words that circulates your brain. Each is a work of art from the inside of the writers beating heart.

I dream to be a master of patience. Its one of the virtues of great necessity these days. I believe so. In today’s morally imbalance world where everything seem instant and many have become arrogant because of easy information access, i wish i had the longest patience to understand hard people.

I dream to be healthy. Physically, mentally, emotionally and most importantly, spiritually. I well understand how impossible these would all be without God. I guess that’s the ultimate dream. To be persistent with my relationship with God. Because He is the Key. The only Way!

I hope..

I hope..

I hope i could do this.

To finally stand by my decision of ending what i dont know we have. We are friends. Im glad we are. Thank you! But i dont want to be the visible friend right now. I am sorry. I just would love to pray for you. For us. As individuals. And our dreams. Because the more time i spend with you, the stronger my hopes become. And i dont see anything yet. Like you, i dont want to take risks anymore. I was willing to. Before. (I was waiting for you to say it.) You actually taught me how to be willing. Maybe eversince we started talking.

But the time we met you just sent me indefinite signs. Signs that i dont know and understand. Or maybe misunderstand. You make me feel confused. Unsure of everything. When if its only up to me then i am sure. I could be. Perhaps i also got tired. I dont know. If this is the case, i need to rest. Because this has a toxic effect on me. We dont deserve to be there. Knowing you i think youd agree with me. I felt that respect you have for me. Thank you J!

I see it is better not to talk and think. It is best to think that there is nothing to think about in the first place.

I dont want to make this hope grow. Not now. Because this could all be false. Anyway, if it is me for you and you for me. Then so be it. Ill let Him be the sole Manipulator. Trust and obey God, self!