Today.

Today.

I still cannot say goodbye.
There’s that hope.
Today it was again implanted.
False? I dont want any.

It appeared shallow before.
Thats how i saw it.
Now it felt a little deeper.
A little more sincere.
I guess?

Answers.
I want those.
Verily!
If i could.
But life is a thrill.
You will never know.
How. When.
And the greatest of them all..
The why.

Today something else also got planted.
Trust.
It is best to say,
Lord whatever Your will.
Let it all be done!
I trust in You.
Step by step.
One by one.

Leave. Dont mind.

Leave. Dont mind.

Like i wanted to do long before.
I wanted to say goodbye.
I hope this is final.
This time.

Like i wanted to.
Because i got used to.
Or am i supposed to?
Thats how i felt.
Or thats how i was made to feel.

Leave. Dont mind.
Yes, exactly.
I know.
I am not blind.
Thats what youre trying to say.

Leave. Dont mind.
Dont you worry.
In time. Ill solve my own crime.
Just dont be sorry. ‘Cause I will.

Self hang in there.
Yes, this isnt nothing.
Theres that little pinch in the heart.
Its okay. This is that part.

aj

Captive

Captive

I didn’t know you existed.
Worlds just collided.
Perhaps?
That’s what I grasp.
I must admit.
Since that I have been your captive.
Yes, I permitted myself
To be held by you.

Well, it felt true.

Ironic!
A captive that I was yet it felt more free.
Days became warmer.
Smiles became brighter.

I don’t understand though why.
Took a deep breath and sighed.
Now I’m lost again.
Empty words.
Blank head.
Is it me?
Or is it you?
Clueless.
Oh self don’t stress!

Let time reveal.
Permit yourselves to peel.
Crack those shells and heal.
Be open. Be free.
And from that liberty,
Individuals will emerge.
He and she without borders.
And if there are limits.
Let that be the distance.
Let it be the absence.
Let it be fear.
The doubts.
Yes!
Allow yourself to wander.
It creates everything.
Sweeter. Deeper.
Time will tell.
Be with yourself.
As yourself.
And with that do everything well.

Dear MCL

Dear MCL

Silence isnt actually the problem. It is the ‘ignoring’ thats quite a huh and blah to me. We are friends i know. Im greatly aware of that. But atleast can you say the right goodbyes to me? The end notes. The see you agains. (If you wanna see me ever😂). To laters. Those thatll make a direct point that something has to end. A crystal clear farewell?!

Or isnt that i am clinging to the thought that i am important. I should be. That he cares. Like i care. When to him i am just a ‘friend’. No more and maybe less. The type of friend he can talk to. At his convenient time. At his comfort. Perhaps that was a sign one time i asked him if he was flirting with me. He avoided my question. But continues to flirt. Hey boy, am i your booty call? Please no!

I like him yeah. No doubts about that. And i think im pretty obvious at showing that i do like him. Sometimes i become to caring. Too concern. Therefore seen too attached. Thats why im here writing this now. To vent out. Again. I said i wont care anymore. But i still do. Maybe it was lessened but its still there.

Inhale. Exhale. This too shall pass.

Just me and my illusion.

As much as i would not want to.
But yeah i miss you.
Ill just keep it to myself.
Those times i had fun.
Your presence lighted me up.
And yeah i didnt want it to stop.

But there you were lost and gone.
I thought maybe i did something wrong.
Or perhaps something right but didnt do.
Whichever that is, i dont have a clue.

I was starting to accept whats real.
Had to be brave and might.
That i was not at all big deal.
It is alright.
Why would i be?
Should i?

But then there you are again.
I thought this time it wont cease.
So i became at peace.

But my shoulders dropped.
There i shrugged.
I sighed why again.
I was left frozen.
I think it was my fault.
I knew yet i expected.

My heart bled.
Again for no good reason.
Just me and my illusion.