She Had it Almost

I sat in darkness.
Light was very less.
I thought I saw light in me.
But it was all temporary.
I saw someone bright and radiant.
Anyway that’s what we all want.
She had it almost.
Perhaps only something she can boast.

Only from the outside.
She can never run nor hide.
The inside was not at all empty.
It was filthy.
They were all hidden.
Close to being barren.

She felt ecstasy.
At the thought that she’s now full completely.
But no she wasn’t.
Her heart isn’t.
Struggling. Battling.
Hanging. Trying.

Lord, save me from here.
Please, my voice is it clear?
I want to be in full light.
I don’t want to be in any partiality.
Jesus can You hear me?

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Jesus I Call

Laid in bed for eight hours or more.
Didn’t want to stand nor open that door.
What’s higher than lazy?
Is it not weary?

Weary of myself perhaps I am.
Tired of inconsistencies.
Me and those people I surround.
Gaining pound per pound.

Tempted to cut my hair.
Make it short and bare.
But I looked at the mirror and stopped.
I want something else from me cropped.

Is it my indecisiveness?
Or my fickleness?
Is it my fears?
Or the tears?

Self what is it?
Can you strip off your selfishness?
Be firm. Be willing.
Be sure. Always, from the beginning.

Can you close your eyes.
Let go of the ties.
Free yourself of them.
Stay out of the hem.

Oh God please help me.
I am out of control.
I need You I might fall.
O Father, Jesus I call!

Papa Jesus

Papa Jesus

Yesterday i was silently praying to You, ‘Please dont hide Yourself’. I need Your actual presence. I need to be refueled by Your Spirit. I am exhausted Papa. I see myself in the mirror, dry. A life that’s lifeless. How ironic. Alive but without life. Father, i am running to You now. Comfort me. Your weary heavily burdened child. I am grieving Father. And that i cannot hide from You. I face this empty wall and i see You. I am trying Lord. You know how hard i try. You see me. You feel me. I can never lie to You. Nor pretend. Words and tears are my expression. Thats all of me now. I cry for help. Desperately. That i would finally let this go. Accept. Leave. Welcome a new home. With serenity. Holding on to Your promise of good results. Allow me to grip Your hand. As i walk into that place with my now sad heart. Both disappointed and scared. Make miracles in me Papa. Humble my heart. Turn this heart of dissatisfaction into contentment. My worries into trust. My doubts into truth. My confusion into creativity. And my fears into faith. Let me pass this one Papa. I obey Your will. Amen.