She Had it Almost

I sat in darkness.
Light was very less.
I thought I saw light in me.
But it was all temporary.
I saw someone bright and radiant.
Anyway that’s what we all want.
She had it almost.
Perhaps only something she can boast.

Only from the outside.
She can never run nor hide.
The inside was not at all empty.
It was filthy.
They were all hidden.
Close to being barren.

She felt ecstasy.
At the thought that she’s now full completely.
But no she wasn’t.
Her heart isn’t.
Struggling. Battling.
Hanging. Trying.

Lord, save me from here.
Please, my voice is it clear?
I want to be in full light.
I don’t want to be in any partiality.
Jesus can You hear me?

Jesus I Call

Laid in bed for eight hours or more.
Didn’t want to stand nor open that door.
What’s higher than lazy?
Is it not weary?

Weary of myself perhaps I am.
Tired of inconsistencies.
Me and those people I surround.
Gaining pound per pound.

Tempted to cut my hair.
Make it short and bare.
But I looked at the mirror and stopped.
I want something else from me cropped.

Is it my indecisiveness?
Or my fickleness?
Is it my fears?
Or the tears?

Self what is it?
Can you strip off your selfishness?
Be firm. Be willing.
Be sure. Always, from the beginning.

Can you close your eyes.
Let go of the ties.
Free yourself of them.
Stay out of the hem.

Oh God please help me.
I am out of control.
I need You I might fall.
O Father, Jesus I call!

Letting Go

Letting Go

Letting go is one of the honing process God wants us to experience. Leave things behind. And just focus ourselves to Him. Because mainly He should be our priority. Nothing should come before Him. John 3:30 says, He must become greater, i must become less. “More of Jesus and less of me.”

This is a cliche (letting go) but yeah we all encounter this phase once or more in our lives. I have to admit, I am not good at this. I am the clingy loyal type. I attach myself to some things or someone which and who i feel comfortable with. I dont mind much of your flaws. If i like you then i like you. The whole of you. (However if i am distant, that doesnt mean i dont like you. I just love to be alone. Not wanting any attention. Just me enjoying with myself and i.)

Anyway…

What does it have to do with these boxes? I just feel there’s parallelism in there. A box has several corners. It is enclosed both at the top and bottom. It can hold something inside and depending on the size it can accommodate little more of your things. Moreover, it can be sealed temporarily or permanently.

Like in letting go, a person who experiences it has chambers in her heart occupied by people and significant things she has come to like or even love. She makes sure that that certain area is safe under her custody. Shes well aware of her responsibility. She would protect them and care for them. Shes ready to expand herself to make way for them to grow and be taken care of. And from them shes learning as well. It takes discipline and willingness to do so. Though maintaining that act of safekeeping can be difficult, what makes it harder is that time when you have to let go of them. Either because they let go of you first or its just time to do so. Uncontrolled circumstances perhaps. As the saying goes, life is but a series of changes. (And chances.)

Like that box who stood strong carrying whatever was inside. There is that capacity and limitation to it. That it cannot embrace whats been carrying forever. Or because of the wear and tear of time it cannot hold firm and secure anymore. So either it has to remove some. Or the box itself should find restoration. Or better yet a replacement.

It is sad when youre not ready. Sadder when you find it hard to accept change. Saddest when you feel the need to blame yourself. That maybe it was your fault. That maybe you didnt watch over them more responsibly. Maybe you lacked the time. Maybe you werent enough. Perhaps unworthy.

A lot of pessimism could exist. But, is it not just because it was bound to happen? That you had to concede to what God has planned for you? (Because best are His plans!) To trust Him fully? And now is the right time to prove Him that? Let go because He said so? To acknowledge that it is this stage that one should look away and move forward? Recognize the big and little changes? Be humble and obey. We may never understand His ways but we’ll never know, these actually are chances to be of more quality. To improve. That at the end you’d be the best. Not in the eyes of men. But in the eyes of the Lord.

Life is brilliant!

Life is brilliant!

Life is brilliant! Yes it is. I am a thirty year old lady who would say that. Because God made me feel that way. It was never perfect but it was all worth it. I have my mistakes–minor , major and major-major๐Ÿ˜‚. Like you, it felt hard. It was hardest to forgive myself. With all the flashbacks, embarassment, what ifs, should bes and all. And i know i have offended people. For that, whoever you are, i am sorry. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป It was never my intention to offend you. There are just confusing moments that i myself do not understand. Im sorry for being the collateral damage. I am sorry for not being there. Im sorry if i was mad. Im sorry if i wronged you. God knows everything. And i pray that He’ll bless us with a heart like His, full of forgiveness.

I have always been the escapee. Trying to be silent at one corner to make people not notice me. I dont want conversations. I am loyal to a few friends to the point that i feel im being too clingy. I tend to be indecisive. Because i doubt myself. And i have so many fears. I dont know exactly how people see me. (Yeah i have been conscious about that.) But growing into a more mature person made me realize that its not important how they see you. It is on how you see yourself, not based on worldly standards but as God’s unique creation. I learned how to love myself. And I thank God for allowing me to experience His Love. Because as i get to know Him, i get to know what and how love ought to be. And yeah being heart broken at 27 was my turning point. And it really taught me a lot of things. First heartbreak aches. Hahaha!

But you see, the thirty year old me would not be wiser and stronger if not for these wrong decisions. One finds it an excuse maybe, but for me i dont see anything more effective than committing those errors and then seeing the world now in a whole different perspective. A perspective where i feel and fill my purpose. I am a work in progress. I should say. Moving forward was challenging because a girl who have always been in her comfort zone would be totally scared at what life could be outside her cocoon. An overthinker. With zero confidence. A worrier. With dozens of insecurities. Easily intimidated. All the negativities? Name it. She had it. She doesnt know where to go. How to start. A lot of lies have already been fed into her mind thats why she was almost always afraid.

The only thing that kept her constant was God. As consistent and faithful as He is to His children He never have forgotten her. Giving way for His instruments to interfere her way away from Him. Blocking her path to darkness. Pulling her back. He saved her. Jesus did!