I hope..

I hope..

I hope i could do this.

To finally stand by my decision of ending what i dont know we have. We are friends. Im glad we are. Thank you! But i dont want to be the visible friend right now. I am sorry. I just would love to pray for you. For us. As individuals. And our dreams. Because the more time i spend with you, the stronger my hopes become. And i dont see anything yet. Like you, i dont want to take risks anymore. I was willing to. Before. (I was waiting for you to say it.) You actually taught me how to be willing. Maybe eversince we started talking.

But the time we met you just sent me indefinite signs. Signs that i dont know and understand. Or maybe misunderstand. You make me feel confused. Unsure of everything. When if its only up to me then i am sure. I could be. Perhaps i also got tired. I dont know. If this is the case, i need to rest. Because this has a toxic effect on me. We dont deserve to be there. Knowing you i think youd agree with me. I felt that respect you have for me. Thank you J!

I see it is better not to talk and think. It is best to think that there is nothing to think about in the first place.

I dont want to make this hope grow. Not now. Because this could all be false. Anyway, if it is me for you and you for me. Then so be it. Ill let Him be the sole Manipulator. Trust and obey God, self!

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Leave. Dont mind.

Leave. Dont mind.

Like i wanted to do long before.
I wanted to say goodbye.
I hope this is final.
This time.

Like i wanted to.
Because i got used to.
Or am i supposed to?
Thats how i felt.
Or thats how i was made to feel.

Leave. Dont mind.
Yes, exactly.
I know.
I am not blind.
Thats what youre trying to say.

Leave. Dont mind.
Dont you worry.
In time. Ill solve my own crime.
Just dont be sorry. ‘Cause I will.

Self hang in there.
Yes, this isnt nothing.
Theres that little pinch in the heart.
Its okay. This is that part.

aj

Letting Go

Letting Go

Letting go is one of the honing process God wants us to experience. Leave things behind. And just focus ourselves to Him. Because mainly He should be our priority. Nothing should come before Him. John 3:30 says, He must become greater, i must become less. “More of Jesus and less of me.”

This is a cliche (letting go) but yeah we all encounter this phase once or more in our lives. I have to admit, I am not good at this. I am the clingy loyal type. I attach myself to some things or someone which and who i feel comfortable with. I dont mind much of your flaws. If i like you then i like you. The whole of you. (However if i am distant, that doesnt mean i dont like you. I just love to be alone. Not wanting any attention. Just me enjoying with myself and i.)

Anyway…

What does it have to do with these boxes? I just feel there’s parallelism in there. A box has several corners. It is enclosed both at the top and bottom. It can hold something inside and depending on the size it can accommodate little more of your things. Moreover, it can be sealed temporarily or permanently.

Like in letting go, a person who experiences it has chambers in her heart occupied by people and significant things she has come to like or even love. She makes sure that that certain area is safe under her custody. Shes well aware of her responsibility. She would protect them and care for them. Shes ready to expand herself to make way for them to grow and be taken care of. And from them shes learning as well. It takes discipline and willingness to do so. Though maintaining that act of safekeeping can be difficult, what makes it harder is that time when you have to let go of them. Either because they let go of you first or its just time to do so. Uncontrolled circumstances perhaps. As the saying goes, life is but a series of changes. (And chances.)

Like that box who stood strong carrying whatever was inside. There is that capacity and limitation to it. That it cannot embrace whats been carrying forever. Or because of the wear and tear of time it cannot hold firm and secure anymore. So either it has to remove some. Or the box itself should find restoration. Or better yet a replacement.

It is sad when youre not ready. Sadder when you find it hard to accept change. Saddest when you feel the need to blame yourself. That maybe it was your fault. That maybe you didnt watch over them more responsibly. Maybe you lacked the time. Maybe you werent enough. Perhaps unworthy.

A lot of pessimism could exist. But, is it not just because it was bound to happen? That you had to concede to what God has planned for you? (Because best are His plans!) To trust Him fully? And now is the right time to prove Him that? Let go because He said so? To acknowledge that it is this stage that one should look away and move forward? Recognize the big and little changes? Be humble and obey. We may never understand His ways but we’ll never know, these actually are chances to be of more quality. To improve. That at the end you’d be the best. Not in the eyes of men. But in the eyes of the Lord.

Life is brilliant!

Life is brilliant!

Life is brilliant! Yes it is. I am a thirty year old lady who would say that. Because God made me feel that way. It was never perfect but it was all worth it. I have my mistakes–minor , major and major-major๐Ÿ˜‚. Like you, it felt hard. It was hardest to forgive myself. With all the flashbacks, embarassment, what ifs, should bes and all. And i know i have offended people. For that, whoever you are, i am sorry. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป It was never my intention to offend you. There are just confusing moments that i myself do not understand. Im sorry for being the collateral damage. I am sorry for not being there. Im sorry if i was mad. Im sorry if i wronged you. God knows everything. And i pray that He’ll bless us with a heart like His, full of forgiveness.

I have always been the escapee. Trying to be silent at one corner to make people not notice me. I dont want conversations. I am loyal to a few friends to the point that i feel im being too clingy. I tend to be indecisive. Because i doubt myself. And i have so many fears. I dont know exactly how people see me. (Yeah i have been conscious about that.) But growing into a more mature person made me realize that its not important how they see you. It is on how you see yourself, not based on worldly standards but as God’s unique creation. I learned how to love myself. And I thank God for allowing me to experience His Love. Because as i get to know Him, i get to know what and how love ought to be. And yeah being heart broken at 27 was my turning point. And it really taught me a lot of things. First heartbreak aches. Hahaha!

But you see, the thirty year old me would not be wiser and stronger if not for these wrong decisions. One finds it an excuse maybe, but for me i dont see anything more effective than committing those errors and then seeing the world now in a whole different perspective. A perspective where i feel and fill my purpose. I am a work in progress. I should say. Moving forward was challenging because a girl who have always been in her comfort zone would be totally scared at what life could be outside her cocoon. An overthinker. With zero confidence. A worrier. With dozens of insecurities. Easily intimidated. All the negativities? Name it. She had it. She doesnt know where to go. How to start. A lot of lies have already been fed into her mind thats why she was almost always afraid.

The only thing that kept her constant was God. As consistent and faithful as He is to His children He never have forgotten her. Giving way for His instruments to interfere her way away from Him. Blocking her path to darkness. Pulling her back. He saved her. Jesus did!

Inhale. Exhale. It is time.

Inhale. Exhale. It is time.

A forgiving heart is a sturdy humble heart. It is full of mercy and compassion. The kind that deletes all the faults. The kind that gives the culprit a chance to walk away. The chance to change his life. To make it better.

Yet sometimes when in solitude i ask myself, is this still right? What am i doing? Smiling back to someone who ran away with my money? Speaking to someone who broke my heart? Praying for those who hurt me? Are all these worthy? Do they deserve this from me? You guys who’s reading this please excuse my vulnerability. But all these are true. Its a battle within myself. A battle unseen by many. A battle felt by few. But still the solution doesnt lie in them. They all lie in you. In your heart. Ironically, the same heart who was left broken, bruised.

When is the right time to forgive? I prayed to God. And I got an ASAP. But with no pressures He made me realize whose peace is at stake. Mine or theirs. Definitely mine. So i learned to pray harder everytime i am attacked by anxiety. Overthinking about what happened. And what could happen. Crying. Getting mad all over again. What ifs. Should haves. Piles of regrets. I blame my self from being stupid. Then again, God intervened. Inhale. Exhale. Think of what happened after. He said. If werent for those people, will you be near to Me now? Will you be talking to Me now? Will you be as open to Me as you are now? Will you ever call My Name? Seek Me and again put trust in Me? Think.

And so i realized and connected the dots. And yeah God allowed them to occur for me to get closer to Him. For me to realize everything would be nothing if He is not the main person in there. I stopped blaming anyone including myself. I began forgiving. Including myself. And it took an inhale and an exhale for me to take God’s ‘it is time’. Indeed forgiveness is the last form of love you can give.

aj

Perhaps he did like me.. But that’s no big deal.. Not anymore..

Perhaps he did like me..   But that’s no big deal.. Not anymore..

Being single for two years now is a bit of a battle to me whose healing took a while.ย  I allowed myself to take the time. That’s when I realized I had to. I tried getting into a relationship months after my break up. But it didn’t last as well. One reason? Well I wasn’t ready. Not yet. Maybe that was all for the label of being in a relationship. The caresses, sweet nothings, endearments, hugs and kisses. Perhaps worse, lust. These could all be but not pure love.

And then I met someone several months ago. He seemed nice. Yeah, I think he is. We have similarities. We both enjoy cartoons and stuff. Loves our family. Loves babies. Loves creativity. And loves God. The friendship felt right. I was comfortable. And I believe he was too. I am open about my faith. A follower of Jesus. I would share my readings to him and all.

Everything happened online. Though he suddenly went from being a consistent to slowly being an on-off-switch-powered-by-moods-maybe texter, I kept mum about it. At first yeah I managed to control myself. Sometimes I didn’t, but i learned to eventually. It’s difficult to be running after someone who’s not that into you. You know what I mean.

I then began freeing myself from the thought of us being together. That’s actually the problem with me. I get too excited at times. I fast forward all those wishful thinking. And when it doesn’t occur, I feel disappointed. All because I expect too much.

Another heartbreak. I cried a little. It isn’t about him not ‘liking’ me anymore but more of that stupid feeling of allowing myself to indulge in those expectations. I saw something in him. I don’t understand how clear those scenarios could be when I have never talked to him in person. And I barely know him. (He seem harmless though. A gentleman.) I am astonished as to why when it comes to him I feel different. Good different. In a way. I don’t want to conclude anything. But I hope this isn’t just me being overwhelmed of the attention he’s giving.

But one thing is good now. The friendship. I am not hoping for anything anymore. If he would say hi I’d say my hi too. No big deal anymore. Just me and him enjoying the friendship. Taking the time for ourselves. And mainly seek God first. More than anybody’s attention.

I realize in this world you would one day play a role in the movie of not-meant-to-bes and we have to learn to accept it. Act as if nothing had happened. Move on and move forward. I always believe on how God can create this into something precious and memorable. I’ll let Him reveal everything to both of us. In that, nothing could go wrong and we will stay locked and focused on His path. Anyway, it’s not always our lovelife that matters. It’s learning to love life. Our God-given life!