Dear MISter

Dear MISter

Dear Mister,

I want this to be the last time ill write about you.

You were unexpected. But it felt right. I thought you came just on time. I got scared, yes. And like you it is hard trusting again. But I saw something special somewhere in between us. So I allowed myself to hope and expect. It was for me, beautiful. Something pure and simple. Something honest. Something thatll last. Something real. I smiled at the thought of you. It lighted me up. It inspired me. I believe i was taking the right path. To just be slow and sincere. Praying about everything. Waiting patiently. 

I often had day dreams. You and me just conversing. And then laughing. Funny that i had imagined us jogging having to sit in the gutter, hands already holding our favorite ice cream. I am sitted beside you. Just still, there, staring at this lovely sunset. Having not to care about anything but to make time stop (even just for a couple of minutes) so i wont have to move away. To just feel the moment. To take that shortest most relevant time with you. To be myself. Silent and steady. I dont even need to stare at you. I just need that moment. Because i feel this exact moment is my only moment with you. And i want to take my time. Up to the last second of it. For i know I dont have a lifetime.

And then now the reality. I had to go. Be gone again. I had to leave. Be far. Miles away from you. Shutting my eyes tight. I know it wont be easy. I had to make a decision. The thought of turning my back, needing to delete those short memories (with you) is far more distant than our actual distance. I was battling on how to erase them when deep inside what i wanted was to retain them. At that, I felt cold. Or is it that i need to be numb?

I didnt know when this heart got tired. But she did. She cried. She had fears. She doubted. I thought youll always be there. But then i suddenly lose you. Just.Like.That. Snap! Youre gone. I felt broken. It did hurt. Decided to be ok with that. Then snap! Youre back. Tempted to ask why. But i think i dont want to try anymore. Coward it may seem, but maybe its better that way. To leave everything as it is. Change anew. Move forward. Again maybe this time youre more sure. But we ran in cycles. Snap one. Snap two. And theres me not knowing what to do.  

I know who i am now. And i have to pick myself up. Bit by bit. I dont want to make this a big deal. For i cant blame you. And i dont want to. It was neither you nor me. This kind of meeting just happens. The inevitably ‘dormant’ type. It gets stranded in the lag phase. I wont say i never was sad and disappointed. Those times you were gone, i was. I waited. That feeling again of being left behind. I said oh, there it is again. The ghosting. The silence. The ignoring. The stalking. (Sorry, I missed our conversations.)

At some point i sensed you were happy. Or so i thought. But to receive real thoughts from someone does not happen everyday. So thank you for sharing them with me. I want to listen to you. ‘You’ consist your stories. I want to know and see you through them. (At least through them.) But when tables are turned, every information about me seemed written in the sand. All blown away. I cant keep myself quiet. You had me already. Sadly for me, we were on different pages. 

Im gone now. I think thats the best option i have. Its something i choose to leave up to God. I surrender you to Him. Its not my power and will that can make your burdens go. It’s between you and God. I just would want to stay away. This i believe is what we need. What i need. To be away from you. To save us from being in the mess of uncertainties where no one likes to risk. (At least with me.)

So goodbye Mister. My prayers are always with you. God is waiting for you. Go knock at His door and seek Him. Be brave about the beautiful changes that will happen in your life. Soon. God bless you always! 

Love from a good friend,

M

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I hope..

I hope..

I hope i could do this.

To finally stand by my decision of ending what i dont know we have. We are friends. Im glad we are. Thank you! But i dont want to be the visible friend right now. I am sorry. I just would love to pray for you. For us. As individuals. And our dreams. Because the more time i spend with you, the stronger my hopes become. And i dont see anything yet. Like you, i dont want to take risks anymore. I was willing to. Before. (I was waiting for you to say it.) You actually taught me how to be willing. Maybe eversince we started talking.

But the time we met you just sent me indefinite signs. Signs that i dont know and understand. Or maybe misunderstand. You make me feel confused. Unsure of everything. When if its only up to me then i am sure. I could be. Perhaps i also got tired. I dont know. If this is the case, i need to rest. Because this has a toxic effect on me. We dont deserve to be there. Knowing you i think youd agree with me. I felt that respect you have for me. Thank you J!

I see it is better not to talk and think. It is best to think that there is nothing to think about in the first place.

I dont want to make this hope grow. Not now. Because this could all be false. Anyway, if it is me for you and you for me. Then so be it. Ill let Him be the sole Manipulator. Trust and obey God, self!

Leave. Dont mind.

Leave. Dont mind.

Like i wanted to do long before.
I wanted to say goodbye.
I hope this is final.
This time.

Like i wanted to.
Because i got used to.
Or am i supposed to?
Thats how i felt.
Or thats how i was made to feel.

Leave. Dont mind.
Yes, exactly.
I know.
I am not blind.
Thats what youre trying to say.

Leave. Dont mind.
Dont you worry.
In time. Ill solve my own crime.
Just dont be sorry. ‘Cause I will.

Self hang in there.
Yes, this isnt nothing.
Theres that little pinch in the heart.
Its okay. This is that part.

aj

The She Before

The She Before

Shattered pieces. Where it stood was messy. Around was empty and grey. Colors faded. Like they knew what happened. They felt unneeded. Suit themselves. Didnt stay. Departed.

They lie there. Those pieces. Damaged. Injured. Lifeless. Scene was heavy. A bit eerie.

I saw her in one corner. Curled up. Face burrowed to her knees. Her eyes red and swollen. Deeply broken. Floor wet of tears. She can’t stop. Sadness took over her. She looked at that blank wall. Painted images. Their history. Everything. Good, bad. Happy, mad. Replay. Rewind. It all comes to her mind.

Wanted to pick them up. Her broken pieces. Put them together. Create a new. I pity her. Yet what can I do?

She cried louder. I heard her. But I won’t bother. Night became days. She cannot sleep. Breathing then. It seemed harder. As if air had become thinner. Air she tried gasping. Her hands shaking. I saw her pale. Never like this.

She has tried. She tried to be okay. But memories were everywhere. Choking her. Hurting her. Again and again and again. I saw her run. I saw her hide. Maybe there’s a way out. She says. An easy escape. Please just one. But there was none!
None yet at that time. So she faced all the grieving. Finally welcomed it. She has to. She kept going. Thats part of it.

Again I heard her. It wasn’t a silent cry. This time not of the past. It was a cry of courage. To move forward. To let go. To feel alive. To feel free. To feel better. No. Best.

And there’s something now. Her eyes. They have this glow. It may cry at times. But not of the past anymore. Her soul is a healed sore. That’s her now. Alone but happy. Jesus saves! Plain and simple.

aj

Perhaps he did like me.. But that’s no big deal.. Not anymore..

Perhaps he did like me..   But that’s no big deal.. Not anymore..

Being single for two years now is a bit of a battle to me whose healing took a while.  I allowed myself to take the time. That’s when I realized I had to. I tried getting into a relationship months after my break up. But it didn’t last as well. One reason? Well I wasn’t ready. Not yet. Maybe that was all for the label of being in a relationship. The caresses, sweet nothings, endearments, hugs and kisses. Perhaps worse, lust. These could all be but not pure love.

And then I met someone several months ago. He seemed nice. Yeah, I think he is. We have similarities. We both enjoy cartoons and stuff. Loves our family. Loves babies. Loves creativity. And loves God. The friendship felt right. I was comfortable. And I believe he was too. I am open about my faith. A follower of Jesus. I would share my readings to him and all.

Everything happened online. Though he suddenly went from being a consistent to slowly being an on-off-switch-powered-by-moods-maybe texter, I kept mum about it. At first yeah I managed to control myself. Sometimes I didn’t, but i learned to eventually. It’s difficult to be running after someone who’s not that into you. You know what I mean.

I then began freeing myself from the thought of us being together. That’s actually the problem with me. I get too excited at times. I fast forward all those wishful thinking. And when it doesn’t occur, I feel disappointed. All because I expect too much.

Another heartbreak. I cried a little. It isn’t about him not ‘liking’ me anymore but more of that stupid feeling of allowing myself to indulge in those expectations. I saw something in him. I don’t understand how clear those scenarios could be when I have never talked to him in person. And I barely know him. (He seem harmless though. A gentleman.) I am astonished as to why when it comes to him I feel different. Good different. In a way. I don’t want to conclude anything. But I hope this isn’t just me being overwhelmed of the attention he’s giving.

But one thing is good now. The friendship. I am not hoping for anything anymore. If he would say hi I’d say my hi too. No big deal anymore. Just me and him enjoying the friendship. Taking the time for ourselves. And mainly seek God first. More than anybody’s attention.

I realize in this world you would one day play a role in the movie of not-meant-to-bes and we have to learn to accept it. Act as if nothing had happened. Move on and move forward. I always believe on how God can create this into something precious and memorable. I’ll let Him reveal everything to both of us. In that, nothing could go wrong and we will stay locked and focused on His path. Anyway, it’s not always our lovelife that matters. It’s learning to love life. Our God-given life!

Today was different.

Today was different.

I finally did it… again!

It has been more or less three years that I haven’t allowed myself to do some things related to my past. To forget about everything. Yeah exactly everything. My way of not being reminded of the lies, the hurt, the solitude and betrayal. Took me some years yeah but I guess that’s how I should do it. Take the time. To make everything pass. To make them go away. To get all the healing I need. Every single detail of it. That one day I will be able to do them, not just them but everything, again without getting hurt anymore.

Today I permitted myself to watch three movies in a row. This I stopped doing three years ago. Maybe I miss the feeling of being cuddled the entire movie. Maybe I miss that argument because the two of you aren’t on the same side. Maybe I miss someone who would bring me water to drink. Or hand me the remote. Or that someone would switch off the fan because I feel  cold. Now, it’s different. I enjoy hugging my soft pillow. With that bigger space I have for myself. Me lying there cozy in the sofa. I don’t need to hear any argument from anybody because now I listen to myself and my opinion. I could always get whatever i want, eat whatever i like without being asked to stop. That remote have always and will always be mine. 😂 There’s the AC that I could easily adjust whatever temp I want to.

But the thing about opening myself to this, is that i did not remember anything that’s hurtful of the past. This is one great achievement for me. A little surprised though, but I am happy I actually did it. I get scared. It’ll always happen. Especially in doing those alone. I thought I would cry. Be sad. Be mad. Again. Thats why I wouldn’t even try. Attempted a few times. Yet i would not continue.

But today was different. I didn’t have those achy feeling anymore. I didn’t have those angst. Today didn’t bring any regret. I was there watching the movie. Having various  reactions. Laughing out loud. Getting omgs. Crying because some character died. I was into it. And nothing else bothered me. Nothing.

Indeed today was different. This time I didn’t hold myself back. I did it. I allowed myself. And I am glad I did!

aj