I sat in darkness.
Light was very less.
I thought I saw light in me.
But it was all temporary.
I saw someone bright and radiant.
Anyway that’s what we all want.
She had it almost.
Perhaps only something she can boast.
Only from the outside.
She can never run nor hide.
The inside was not at all empty.
It was filthy.
They were all hidden.
Close to being barren.
She felt ecstasy.
At the thought that she’s now full completely.
But no she wasn’t.
Her heart isn’t.
Lord, save me from here.
Please, my voice is it clear?
I want to be in full light.
I don’t want to be in any partiality.
Jesus can You hear me?
I have been struggling from a sin that continuously stains my spirit. It has been a battle for me. Sometimes i win. Oftentimes i lose. I am still overcome by my human nature. Frustrating for me because i dont want this to keep happening. I feel i allow the devil to win over Jesus. Im lazy to do what i call my diversion. I dont open my bible for wisdom the moment i am about to face sin.
But i dont want to do it (sin) anymore. And so i talked to God. Before, i cried over this praying without my bible. But last night was different. Begged Him for help to stop me from doing them. Ive read articles about breaking the chain but still i havent done it for myself victoriously. I feel guilty in not walking my talk. You see me write about God. But i still havent felt Gods actual presence. Maybe i try to make Him present. But Me and Him alone? Not yet. Until last night. I sang a few lines of praises. I told Him to make me feel Him, present by my side. Real. With my loud voice. “God please answer me through a bible cut!” I called His Holy Name repeatedly. I badly needed Him. His Help. His Comfort.
And so i did the cut. And it led me to Isaiah 54:9-10. And it said,
“To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.” NIV
Oh, He granted me forgiveness! I was in awe that i just cried unto Him. More tears, more amazement, more joy. I was speechless. Guilt slowly faded away. And the assurance of resisting sin slowly sprouted within me. Knowing that my God is ever present. He sees me. He wants me to be away from any sin. He protects me. That i should let Him. Really i was touched and moved by that experience. I just kept saying thank You, thank You, thank You Lord! That everytime i reread the verses i tear up again. Indeed when You call upon His name. And profusely ask His presence He goes running to you. To wrap His loving arms around you. Lord an endless thank You, in Jesus’ Name!
It is me there being restless. But no i am not bored. My brain is tired actually. It has been telling me already. The mind has been thinking too much lately. Wanting everything to be finished. Not my life huh? Just this chapter. Not my all. This is me not trusting the Lord. Again. This is me wanting to do everything on my own. This is me getting overly self-reliant. This is me getting impatient. Short tempered. On and off sleep. Three hours. Four. But not straight eights anymore. I miss that. I feel sleepy but i cannot sleep. Or maybe i wont sleep. So i dont sleep. *sigh*
Now i mainly pray for peace of mind. Thats all. Im writing this now hoping this will help. I still can afford to smile. And that smile doesnt lie, yes i am fine. I am. The time i smiled at you. But not when i am alone. With all these silence. No matter how hard i divert my attention, moments like ‘now’ would hit me. I hear everything around me. Even the slightest sound. But still theres that crushing silence. I think even the deaf would despise this.
Anxiety. Restlessness. Sleepless nights. Mood swings. Dry aura. Overthinking. Lord help me! Please delete these in my system and replace them with peace. Rejuvenate my weary mind. Bring back life to it. Again i ask that You refuel me with Your Spirit. I am here again feeling terrible. (When just this evening i was happy.) I imagine You now puzzled with my behavior with these emoticons on your face 😒🤔. Kidding aside but yeah Father. And i am sorry for making You feel this way. Im one imbalanced person. So please Father, i pray that You create balance and harmony in me. In Jesus’ mighty Name. Amen.
Yesterday i was silently praying to You, ‘Please dont hide Yourself’. I need Your actual presence. I need to be refueled by Your Spirit. I am exhausted Papa. I see myself in the mirror, dry. A life that’s lifeless. How ironic. Alive but without life. Father, i am running to You now. Comfort me. Your weary heavily burdened child. I am grieving Father. And that i cannot hide from You. I face this empty wall and i see You. I am trying Lord. You know how hard i try. You see me. You feel me. I can never lie to You. Nor pretend. Words and tears are my expression. Thats all of me now. I cry for help. Desperately. That i would finally let this go. Accept. Leave. Welcome a new home. With serenity. Holding on to Your promise of good results. Allow me to grip Your hand. As i walk into that place with my now sad heart. Both disappointed and scared. Make miracles in me Papa. Humble my heart. Turn this heart of dissatisfaction into contentment. My worries into trust. My doubts into truth. My confusion into creativity. And my fears into faith. Let me pass this one Papa. I obey Your will. Amen.