I sat in darkness.
Light was very less.
I thought I saw light in me.
But it was all temporary.
I saw someone bright and radiant.
Anyway that’s what we all want.
She had it almost.
Perhaps only something she can boast.
Only from the outside.
She can never run nor hide.
The inside was not at all empty.
It was filthy.
They were all hidden.
Close to being barren.
She felt ecstasy.
At the thought that she’s now full completely.
But no she wasn’t.
Her heart isn’t.
Lord, save me from here.
Please, my voice is it clear?
I want to be in full light.
I don’t want to be in any partiality.
Jesus can You hear me?
Laid in bed for eight hours or more.
Didn’t want to stand nor open that door.
What’s higher than lazy?
Is it not weary?
Weary of myself perhaps I am.
Tired of inconsistencies.
Me and those people I surround.
Gaining pound per pound.
Tempted to cut my hair.
Make it short and bare.
But I looked at the mirror and stopped.
I want something else from me cropped.
Is it my indecisiveness?
Or my fickleness?
Is it my fears?
Or the tears?
Self what is it?
Can you strip off your selfishness?
Be firm. Be willing.
Be sure. Always, from the beginning.
Can you close your eyes.
Let go of the ties.
Free yourself of them.
Stay out of the hem.
Oh God please help me.
I am out of control.
I need You I might fall.
O Father, Jesus I call!
I hope i could do this.
To finally stand by my decision of ending what i dont know we have. We are friends. Im glad we are. Thank you! But i dont want to be the visible friend right now. I am sorry. I just would love to pray for you. For us. As individuals. And our dreams. Because the more time i spend with you, the stronger my hopes become. And i dont see anything yet. Like you, i dont want to take risks anymore. I was willing to. Before. (I was waiting for you to say it.) You actually taught me how to be willing. Maybe eversince we started talking.
But the time we met you just sent me indefinite signs. Signs that i dont know and understand. Or maybe misunderstand. You make me feel confused. Unsure of everything. When if its only up to me then i am sure. I could be. Perhaps i also got tired. I dont know. If this is the case, i need to rest. Because this has a toxic effect on me. We dont deserve to be there. Knowing you i think youd agree with me. I felt that respect you have for me. Thank you J!
I see it is better not to talk and think. It is best to think that there is nothing to think about in the first place.
I dont want to make this hope grow. Not now. Because this could all be false. Anyway, if it is me for you and you for me. Then so be it. Ill let Him be the sole Manipulator. Trust and obey God, self!
I have been struggling from a sin that continuously stains my spirit. It has been a battle for me. Sometimes i win. Oftentimes i lose. I am still overcome by my human nature. Frustrating for me because i dont want this to keep happening. I feel i allow the devil to win over Jesus. Im lazy to do what i call my diversion. I dont open my bible for wisdom the moment i am about to face sin.
But i dont want to do it (sin) anymore. And so i talked to God. Before, i cried over this praying without my bible. But last night was different. Begged Him for help to stop me from doing them. Ive read articles about breaking the chain but still i havent done it for myself victoriously. I feel guilty in not walking my talk. You see me write about God. But i still havent felt Gods actual presence. Maybe i try to make Him present. But Me and Him alone? Not yet. Until last night. I sang a few lines of praises. I told Him to make me feel Him, present by my side. Real. With my loud voice. “God please answer me through a bible cut!” I called His Holy Name repeatedly. I badly needed Him. His Help. His Comfort.
And so i did the cut. And it led me to Isaiah 54:9-10. And it said,
“To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.” NIV
Oh, He granted me forgiveness! I was in awe that i just cried unto Him. More tears, more amazement, more joy. I was speechless. Guilt slowly faded away. And the assurance of resisting sin slowly sprouted within me. Knowing that my God is ever present. He sees me. He wants me to be away from any sin. He protects me. That i should let Him. Really i was touched and moved by that experience. I just kept saying thank You, thank You, thank You Lord! That everytime i reread the verses i tear up again. Indeed when You call upon His name. And profusely ask His presence He goes running to you. To wrap His loving arms around you. Lord an endless thank You, in Jesus’ Name!
Letting go is one of the honing process God wants us to experience. Leave things behind. And just focus ourselves to Him. Because mainly He should be our priority. Nothing should come before Him. John 3:30 says, He must become greater, i must become less. “More of Jesus and less of me.”
This is a cliche (letting go) but yeah we all encounter this phase once or more in our lives. I have to admit, I am not good at this. I am the clingy loyal type. I attach myself to some things or someone which and who i feel comfortable with. I dont mind much of your flaws. If i like you then i like you. The whole of you. (However if i am distant, that doesnt mean i dont like you. I just love to be alone. Not wanting any attention. Just me enjoying with myself and i.)
What does it have to do with these boxes? I just feel there’s parallelism in there. A box has several corners. It is enclosed both at the top and bottom. It can hold something inside and depending on the size it can accommodate little more of your things. Moreover, it can be sealed temporarily or permanently.
Like in letting go, a person who experiences it has chambers in her heart occupied by people and significant things she has come to like or even love. She makes sure that that certain area is safe under her custody. Shes well aware of her responsibility. She would protect them and care for them. Shes ready to expand herself to make way for them to grow and be taken care of. And from them shes learning as well. It takes discipline and willingness to do so. Though maintaining that act of safekeeping can be difficult, what makes it harder is that time when you have to let go of them. Either because they let go of you first or its just time to do so. Uncontrolled circumstances perhaps. As the saying goes, life is but a series of changes. (And chances.)
Like that box who stood strong carrying whatever was inside. There is that capacity and limitation to it. That it cannot embrace whats been carrying forever. Or because of the wear and tear of time it cannot hold firm and secure anymore. So either it has to remove some. Or the box itself should find restoration. Or better yet a replacement.
It is sad when youre not ready. Sadder when you find it hard to accept change. Saddest when you feel the need to blame yourself. That maybe it was your fault. That maybe you didnt watch over them more responsibly. Maybe you lacked the time. Maybe you werent enough. Perhaps unworthy.
A lot of pessimism could exist. But, is it not just because it was bound to happen? That you had to concede to what God has planned for you? (Because best are His plans!) To trust Him fully? And now is the right time to prove Him that? Let go because He said so? To acknowledge that it is this stage that one should look away and move forward? Recognize the big and little changes? Be humble and obey. We may never understand His ways but we’ll never know, these actually are chances to be of more quality. To improve. That at the end you’d be the best. Not in the eyes of men. But in the eyes of the Lord.
Today I think i saw Jesus. I was at work doing my routine. Was expecting more workload and so I prayed to Him to just make my shift smooth. Give me easy to handle donors, the ability to manage my time, multitask and the like. Everything that would make me and my partner work in peace. And while I was holding my samples, walking back to my section an old man caught my attention. I saw his anxious face. I think what he was wearing was the same from yesterday. (Since he’s not from this country too. An expat from Yemen just seeking medical services here. So I assume they had no place to stay. 😞) He kept staring at his watch. Felt uneasy. He was sitting outside the operating room (located opposite my section). And was alone. My first question was, has he eaten something? I was crushed by the thought. And so I hid and cried really hard. I can’t stop actually. I prayed to God to help that man and his relative. One idea came, I composed myself. Got small snacks for him. Handed it over. Then I asked if he’s waiting for someone. And yeah, I didn’t understand clearly but he was waiting for someone who’s in the operating room. He said surgery of one leg. Oh God knows how I wanted to offer a prayer for him that very moment. But I just smiled and left because I cannot contain myself anymore. Not only my eyes were red but also my nose and there I was about to cry again so he might wonder. I left him with a heavy heart. I wish I could do more. But was relieved a little that atleast he can eat something while waiting.
I imagined Christ. When He was crucified. The kind of sacrifice He has offered us. How He loved us. Now that we’re living under His grace, I am overwhelmed how blessed we are. Wishing all people in this earth would know Him. So they would feel His Greatness. His miracles. His love. How amazing and awesome He is! (I say those words with conviction.😉) It is really right not to be selfish of Jesus’ love for us. Share The Word. Spread The Word. Live The Word. Get others inspired by The Word. Through you being His instrument. An effective vessel of The Word.
A forgiving heart is a sturdy humble heart. It is full of mercy and compassion. The kind that deletes all the faults. The kind that gives the culprit a chance to walk away. The chance to change his life. To make it better.
Yet sometimes when in solitude i ask myself, is this still right? What am i doing? Smiling back to someone who ran away with my money? Speaking to someone who broke my heart? Praying for those who hurt me? Are all these worthy? Do they deserve this from me? You guys who’s reading this please excuse my vulnerability. But all these are true. Its a battle within myself. A battle unseen by many. A battle felt by few. But still the solution doesnt lie in them. They all lie in you. In your heart. Ironically, the same heart who was left broken, bruised.
When is the right time to forgive? I prayed to God. And I got an ASAP. But with no pressures He made me realize whose peace is at stake. Mine or theirs. Definitely mine. So i learned to pray harder everytime i am attacked by anxiety. Overthinking about what happened. And what could happen. Crying. Getting mad all over again. What ifs. Should haves. Piles of regrets. I blame my self from being stupid. Then again, God intervened. Inhale. Exhale. Think of what happened after. He said. If werent for those people, will you be near to Me now? Will you be talking to Me now? Will you be as open to Me as you are now? Will you ever call My Name? Seek Me and again put trust in Me? Think.
And so i realized and connected the dots. And yeah God allowed them to occur for me to get closer to Him. For me to realize everything would be nothing if He is not the main person in there. I stopped blaming anyone including myself. I began forgiving. Including myself. And it took an inhale and an exhale for me to take God’s ‘it is time’. Indeed forgiveness is the last form of love you can give.