Dear MISter

Dear MISter

Dear Mister,

I want this to be the last time ill write about you.

You were unexpected. But it felt right. I thought you came just on time. I got scared, yes. And like you it is hard trusting again. But I saw something special somewhere in between us. So I allowed myself to hope and expect. It was for me, beautiful. Something pure and simple. Something honest. Something thatll last. Something real. I smiled at the thought of you. It lighted me up. It inspired me. I believe i was taking the right path. To just be slow and sincere. Praying about everything. Waiting patiently.ย 

I often had day dreams. You and me just conversing. And then laughing. Funny that i had imagined us jogging having to sit in the gutter, hands already holding our favorite ice cream. I am sitted beside you. Just still, there, staring at this lovely sunset. Having not to care about anything but to make time stop (even just for a couple of minutes) so i wont have to move away. To just feel the moment. To take that shortest most relevant time with you. To be myself. Silent and steady. I dont even need to stare at you. I just need that moment. Because i feel this exact moment is my only moment with you. And i want to take my time. Up to the last second of it. For i know I dont have a lifetime.

And then now the reality. I had to go. Be gone again. I had to leave. Be far. Miles away from you. Shutting my eyes tight. I know it wont be easy. I had to make a decision. The thought of turning my back, needing to delete those short memories (with you) is far more distant than our actual distance. I was battling on how to erase them when deep inside what i wanted was to retain them. At that, I felt cold. Or is it that i need to be numb?

I didnt know when this heart got tired. But she did. She cried. She had fears. She doubted. I thought youll always be there. But then i suddenly lose you. Just.Like.That. Snap! Youre gone. I felt broken. It did hurt. Decided to be ok with that. Then snap! Youre back. Tempted to ask why. But i think i dont want to try anymore. Coward it may seem, but maybe its better that way. To leave everything as it is. Change anew. Move forward. Again maybe this time youre more sure. But we ran in cycles. Snap one. Snap two. And theres me not knowing what to do. ย 

I know who i am now. And i have to pick myself up. Bit by bit. I dont want to make this a big deal. For i cant blame you. And i dont want to. It was neither you nor me. This kind of meeting just happens. The inevitably ‘dormant’ type. It gets stranded in the lag phase. I wont say i never was sad and disappointed. Those times you were gone, i was. I waited. That feeling again of being left behind. I said oh, there it is again. The ghosting. The silence. The ignoring. The stalking. (Sorry, I missed our conversations.)

At some point i sensed you were happy. Or so i thought. But to receive real thoughts from someone does not happen everyday. So thank you for sharing them with me. I want to listen to you. ‘You’ consist your stories. I want to know and see you through them. (At least through them.) But when tables are turned, every information about me seemed written in the sand. All blown away. I cant keep myself quiet. You had me already. Sadly for me, we were on different pages.ย 

Im gone now. I think thats the best option i have. Its something i choose to leave up to God. I surrender you to Him. Its not my power and will that can make your burdens go. It’s between you and God. I just would want to stay away. This i believe is what we need. What i need. To be away from you. To save us from being in the mess of uncertainties where no one likes to risk. (At least with me.)

So goodbye Mister. My prayers are always with you. God is waiting for you. Go knock at His door and seek Him. Be brave about the beautiful changes that will happen in your life. Soon. God bless you always!ย 

Love from a good friend,

M

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What’s in a relationship?

God. Love. Commitment.

The center and the source should be God. He first loved us. He created us to protect us. To nurture us. So to simplify all of these, God wanted to express His love to and for us, His chosen children. And the most powerful thing He did was to sacrifice His Son to save us! Isnt that wooow!!! Oh what kind of love enables that!

Now He wants to show us how to love others. Unconditional with pure intentions. Because we ought to have a healthy, strong and everlasting relationship.

Being involved in a relationship, God intends to make us more precious by doing all the necessary honing and molding. He cuts off all the fears and washes away all the doubts that had long been sitting in your heart. He replaces all your worries and pessimism with optimism. These all could take a lot of courage yes. But even that courage could come from Him. This is the kind of relationship we have with God. He will provide you all that you need. All thats required of you. As long as youd ask Him for it.

So yes we become the best version of ourselves. But why need to become the best? Easy. Because whoever that is that God has in store for you is the best as well. Both of you should keep up with each other. And the only One who could possibly do that is Him. He is the ultimate symbol of love. Whatever standards or ideals we have in relationships they all should come from what He had showed us.

Theyre all interrelated. God. Love. Commitment. With commitment comes clarity. And courage. From the very beginning there’s that explicit definition of ‘where youre both going’. And that is the union designed by God, marriage. Now why is it hard for some people to justify that a relationship should be clear right from the start? More importantly to both of you? I believe this has to do with commitment. The willingness to surrender oneself and immerse his whole life to and for the other person. To know that the bond should be unbreakable. Should be. Yes. When one is willing to commit and the other isnt, do we call it a relationship? No. It is just a questionable utterance of unsure emotions. Just emotions.

Now, where does commitment come from? Intentions. If a person’s goal in pursuing someone is marriage, then his commitment has already been fueled. There’s this line in between someone saying someday i will marry you. And in saying, lets just take it slow. Does being slow result to marriage? Maybe yes? But how about when theres no consistency? Are you being fast when youre sending signs of intending to marry someone? Well, when equipped with all the labor and the thriving to show him/her that youre not just interested but willing. All i can say is, a person ready to commit is consistent in thoughts, words and actions. Yes marriage takes time and effort. This i will agree. It involves careful planning. It involves a lot of decision making. It is a choice to start and remain in a relationship. But one must know that part of the stages of a budding relationship is letting the other person know what your intentions are. This makes you say yes more to the person. The sense of security would be there. Now i think the word i should mention here is courtship. Getting to know each other yes. But even in this stage, everything should be clear to both of you. Why you both agree that friendship is a great foundation. Why stay there first. Why you care. Why this early, loyalty must be established. And thats because both of you want to commit with the right and godly intentions.

Lets talk about fear. It sometimes is the shadow behind unclear ‘commitments’. Fear leads to denial of ones true feelings. Fear causes one to shut up. To choose silence over expression. To say nothing at all. Even if theres that act of caring. Which only leads to series of confusions because nothing has been said, as it is, nothing is clear. Its as if nothing is being pursued. All you do is ask. What am i to this person? Am i special? Or just someone to play his game with?

I would point out here how important friendship is. It is that part where you stay connected, sharing each other’s routines, beliefs, values and principles. Even ones struggles, disappointments and fears. In knowing a person deeper, you both observe each other’s compatibility and differences. And as the relationship develops you both will know if you need an ‘upgrade’. Key to that would be good communication. Those that you both hear, see, feel and grow from. Hear because something is said. See because something is done. Feel because something is expressed. Grow because you both remember youre still two people who need to flourish individually. Both of you should acknowledge how important that is.

Equally mature people who come to unite becomes stronger when their foundation is God and friendship. The love and commitment are made more evident by God. Nothing is certain yes. Nothing yet is apparent yes. When we only lean on our own understanding. Our way, not His. But when we seek God, He will define everything for you. That all you have to do is open your eyes and receive that person in your life. And everything that should be in a relationship is present. It may not be all perfect. But because God is your Manipulator, that peace will finally reside in your heart. That both of you will choose each other to love and to hold, for the rest of your lives. The two of you being connected intimately with God.

aj

Heartaches.

Heartaches are inevitable. God allows them. I was once, no, i wont say a victim, rather a participant. This is not a blame game. Just the truth. We have to address the fact that these instances should occur in our lives. As for me i learned a lot from getting my heart broken. The first time i would say was the worst. Perhaps because i did not know how to handle myself and the situation i was in at that time. But i praise the Lord for it created a scar that i will never forget. A scar that would make me pause for a moment and think things over. It made me wiser and better. A scar that may remind me of how painful it could be if i fail again. But this scar i would say made me resilient. Not numb. The heart could never be numb. No matter how calloused it is, it would still feel something. But it knows when not to mind. It knows already how to weigh emotions and its true feelings? Is it? At least i can say yes right now.

Now i feel i am midst a new heartbreak. But this time because everything is just uncertain. I dont hear anything. I am used to the assurance of being wanted and needed. Or maybe i am too assuming. Am i?

I feel The Spirit commands me to let go. So ill try. Then hopefully i can. So i will.

Just me and my illusion.

As much as i would not want to.
But yeah i miss you.
Ill just keep it to myself.
Those times i had fun.
Your presence lighted me up.
And yeah i didnt want it to stop.

But there you were lost and gone.
I thought maybe i did something wrong.
Or perhaps something right but didnt do.
Whichever that is, i dont have a clue.

I was starting to accept whats real.
Had to be brave and might.
That i was not at all big deal.
It is alright.
Why would i be?
Should i?

But then there you are again.
I thought this time it wont cease.
So i became at peace.

But my shoulders dropped.
There i shrugged.
I sighed why again.
I was left frozen.
I think it was my fault.
I knew yet i expected.

My heart bled.
Again for no good reason.
Just me and my illusion.

God’s Message in a Bottle

God’s Message in a Bottle

One of those lazy friday mornings. I woke up with my usual 6:30am body clock. But I felt I needed more bonding with MrBed and his company of pillows. Eight of them. I thought to myself. No outdoor biking. No work. Therefore I have more time to procrastinate. I allow myself today. Just today. ๐Ÿ˜‚

I was there hugging my pillow thinking what time I’ll walk to this kitchen (where Im at now typing this) and prepare my lunch. Was thinking what to cook. Later decided I’ll have chicken. So there I finished cooking. I prepared my table. And as I sat there praying, one caption on the bottle (of my fave juice drink) struck me. It said, JUS COOL.

The night before, I was crying to the Lord telling Him please be with me in my season of discomfort. I did not know what more words to say. But one thing is sure. Lord, i need You to be with me. As demanding and desperate as it sounds but yes Lord! I really need You! I run to You now. Surrendering everything that’s beyond my control. I cant do anything anymore. As ive said, if it is You versus me, i lose. Let Your will be done.

Those were my words. And then from that scenario, seeing that small bottle in front of me. Those words appear very bold. Embedded prominently. JUS COOL. I felt God there. He calmed my worried heart. Telling me to stay cool. Take it easy my child for I am here.

See how amazing He comforts us! It didnt even take 24 hours for me to feel His response. I am just in awe of Him. His Power never fails. As well as His humor๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿป. Others may find this an odd coincidence but to me God is just everywhere. In people, in places, in things. And this bottle was one of them. So with a small grin on my face i thanked Him. And in my heart, i felt more relaxed. Ate my lunch. And appreciated more the things i see in front of me.

(As if it was the best chicken dish ever! PS. Love your own!๐Ÿ˜‚)

aj

If it’s You vs me. Lord, I lose.

If it’s You vs me. Lord, I lose.

As elusive as a ball goes, we have that boomerang-like circumstances in life where we find it hard to catch and take a grip because it easily slips away. Fast. Unexpected. A chance of getting hurt beyond your control. And you being unprepared cannot hold it in. I wont deny getting disappointed. I am not a hypocrite. And i hate to lie. Not to others. Not to myself. And never to my God. The effort we invested to almost catch it. Make the capture. Make it secure. And then there it slips away. You watch it go farther. Become distant from you. You want to chase it. Perhaps outrun it. But you just cant. Nothing’s left for you to do. Until its gone. Now long gone. You imagine life differently. Again. Accept. Again. Adjust. Again. Adapt. Again. Thats the way the cookie crumbles. Back to square one. I think i lose. If it’s You versus me. Lord, I lose.

I was reflecting and realize this is a test of faith. God has been whispering to me a few days back to be prepared for discomfort. ‘That is your season now.’ But God I am not prepared. ‘You dont have to. Thats what makes it uncomfortable.’ And like a stubborn child I feel like crying. I feel nobody cares. But i had to make myself stronger. This is not the time to be selfish. Grow up self, grow up. God is with you. It feels like He’s abandoned you but He never will. I continued praying Lord please make me feel Your presence this whole season of discomfort. I feel it now and it isnt easy. And this is just the beginning. Im not even half way there yet i feel heavy already. This isnt right. This isnt helpful. Go get up, plan and decide.

I cant help but question, Lord whats Your purpose for this season. Please allow me to surrender myself wholly and truly. Guide me. I seek Your Leadership. Strengthen me. I seek Your Power. Comfort me. I seek Your Care. Protect me. I seek Your Armor. Remove my pride. I seek Your Humility. Allow me to wait. I seek Your Patience. Teach me. I seek Your Lesson. Empower me. I seek Your Force. Live in me. I seek Your Holiness.

Ive been uncomfortabe before. This isnt the first time so like those days ill cling to Your promise. That by the end i am victorious. All because of You. ‘Who knows what makes you uneasy turns out to be your comfort.’ I think i heard God whispered them to me.

And he’s back. Yeah I think so.

And he’s back. Yeah I think so.

I really thought he won’t return. After the snubbing we both did to each other. The seen zones. The almost-sent-typed-yet-deleted messages. The sleepless nights. The overthinking. The waiting. The stalking. The silence. These all sum up to what we call ‘self control’. A questionable self control actually, where you stop yourself from being the first one to make the move, or just creating those diversions so you can be away from him.

But why when all of those are gone, the mind still won’t stop wondering how he’s been. If he’s well and okay with his life. If he had overcome his struggles. Wishing you were there with him through all those hardships. The brain would process his name and the ‘wonders’ of it. They all would come and wouldn’t go.

I find my behavior quite unfair. Unfair because I don’t see it helpful for me. Everything is just too much sometimes I want to get over it. Because the question is, does he feel the same way when I don’t talk to him? Trying very hard to ignore him even if I can’t? Doing all the pretending I possibly could. I pray to God to please take this infatuation away. From both of us. That a healthy friendship will prevail. No pressures. No rush. No jumping into conclusions. Just the two of us having fun with the friendship. That we both would resist of wishing something that’s not happening. I don’t know if that should be a ‘not yet happening’. But what’s clear now is it isn’t currently happening.

I am actually glad I’m realizing this now. And not being blinded of the overwhelming feeling our conversations make me. That I have no restrictions for myself to whatever I want to share to him. And if I am being seen zoned, I’ll let it pass. That ego feels should no longer affect me. It had before but thank God I overcome those already. I’m even imagining myself of the actual rejection. So it would hurt less? Probably. I know I will never come totally prepared. But atleast I am not expecting anything anymore. Or should I say I try not to expect anything anymore.