I still cannot say goodbye.
There’s that hope.
Today it was again implanted.
False? I dont want any.
It appeared shallow before.
Thats how i saw it.
Now it felt a little deeper.
A little more sincere.
I want those.
If i could.
But life is a thrill.
You will never know.
And the greatest of them all..
Today something else also got planted.
It is best to say,
Lord whatever Your will.
Let it all be done!
I trust in You.
Step by step.
One by one.
Like i wanted to do long before.
I wanted to say goodbye.
I hope this is final.
Like i wanted to.
Because i got used to.
Or am i supposed to?
Thats how i felt.
Or thats how i was made to feel.
Leave. Dont mind.
I am not blind.
Thats what youre trying to say.
Leave. Dont mind.
Dont you worry.
In time. Ill solve my own crime.
Just dont be sorry. ‘Cause I will.
Self hang in there.
Yes, this isnt nothing.
Theres that little pinch in the heart.
Its okay. This is that part.
I didn’t know you existed.
Worlds just collided.
That’s what I grasp.
I must admit.
Since that I have been your captive.
Yes, I permitted myself
To be held by you.
Well, it felt true.
A captive that I was yet it felt more free.
Days became warmer.
Smiles became brighter.
I don’t understand though why.
Took a deep breath and sighed.
Now I’m lost again.
Is it me?
Or is it you?
Oh self don’t stress!
Let time reveal.
Permit yourselves to peel.
Crack those shells and heal.
Be open. Be free.
And from that liberty,
Individuals will emerge.
He and she without borders.
And if there are limits.
Let that be the distance.
Let it be the absence.
Let it be fear.
Allow yourself to wander.
It creates everything.
Time will tell.
Be with yourself.
And with that do everything well.
I have been struggling from a sin that continuously stains my spirit. It has been a battle for me. Sometimes i win. Oftentimes i lose. I am still overcome by my human nature. Frustrating for me because i dont want this to keep happening. I feel i allow the devil to win over Jesus. Im lazy to do what i call my diversion. I dont open my bible for wisdom the moment i am about to face sin.
But i dont want to do it (sin) anymore. And so i talked to God. Before, i cried over this praying without my bible. But last night was different. Begged Him for help to stop me from doing them. Ive read articles about breaking the chain but still i havent done it for myself victoriously. I feel guilty in not walking my talk. You see me write about God. But i still havent felt Gods actual presence. Maybe i try to make Him present. But Me and Him alone? Not yet. Until last night. I sang a few lines of praises. I told Him to make me feel Him, present by my side. Real. With my loud voice. “God please answer me through a bible cut!” I called His Holy Name repeatedly. I badly needed Him. His Help. His Comfort.
And so i did the cut. And it led me to Isaiah 54:9-10. And it said,
“To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.” NIV
Oh, He granted me forgiveness! I was in awe that i just cried unto Him. More tears, more amazement, more joy. I was speechless. Guilt slowly faded away. And the assurance of resisting sin slowly sprouted within me. Knowing that my God is ever present. He sees me. He wants me to be away from any sin. He protects me. That i should let Him. Really i was touched and moved by that experience. I just kept saying thank You, thank You, thank You Lord! That everytime i reread the verses i tear up again. Indeed when You call upon His name. And profusely ask His presence He goes running to you. To wrap His loving arms around you. Lord an endless thank You, in Jesus’ Name!
Letting go is one of the honing process God wants us to experience. Leave things behind. And just focus ourselves to Him. Because mainly He should be our priority. Nothing should come before Him. John 3:30 says, He must become greater, i must become less. “More of Jesus and less of me.”
This is a cliche (letting go) but yeah we all encounter this phase once or more in our lives. I have to admit, I am not good at this. I am the clingy loyal type. I attach myself to some things or someone which and who i feel comfortable with. I dont mind much of your flaws. If i like you then i like you. The whole of you. (However if i am distant, that doesnt mean i dont like you. I just love to be alone. Not wanting any attention. Just me enjoying with myself and i.)
What does it have to do with these boxes? I just feel there’s parallelism in there. A box has several corners. It is enclosed both at the top and bottom. It can hold something inside and depending on the size it can accommodate little more of your things. Moreover, it can be sealed temporarily or permanently.
Like in letting go, a person who experiences it has chambers in her heart occupied by people and significant things she has come to like or even love. She makes sure that that certain area is safe under her custody. Shes well aware of her responsibility. She would protect them and care for them. Shes ready to expand herself to make way for them to grow and be taken care of. And from them shes learning as well. It takes discipline and willingness to do so. Though maintaining that act of safekeeping can be difficult, what makes it harder is that time when you have to let go of them. Either because they let go of you first or its just time to do so. Uncontrolled circumstances perhaps. As the saying goes, life is but a series of changes. (And chances.)
Like that box who stood strong carrying whatever was inside. There is that capacity and limitation to it. That it cannot embrace whats been carrying forever. Or because of the wear and tear of time it cannot hold firm and secure anymore. So either it has to remove some. Or the box itself should find restoration. Or better yet a replacement.
It is sad when youre not ready. Sadder when you find it hard to accept change. Saddest when you feel the need to blame yourself. That maybe it was your fault. That maybe you didnt watch over them more responsibly. Maybe you lacked the time. Maybe you werent enough. Perhaps unworthy.
A lot of pessimism could exist. But, is it not just because it was bound to happen? That you had to concede to what God has planned for you? (Because best are His plans!) To trust Him fully? And now is the right time to prove Him that? Let go because He said so? To acknowledge that it is this stage that one should look away and move forward? Recognize the big and little changes? Be humble and obey. We may never understand His ways but we’ll never know, these actually are chances to be of more quality. To improve. That at the end you’d be the best. Not in the eyes of men. But in the eyes of the Lord.
Life is brilliant! Yes it is. I am a thirty year old lady who would say that. Because God made me feel that way. It was never perfect but it was all worth it. I have my mistakes–minor , major and major-major😂. Like you, it felt hard. It was hardest to forgive myself. With all the flashbacks, embarassment, what ifs, should bes and all. And i know i have offended people. For that, whoever you are, i am sorry. 🙏🏻 It was never my intention to offend you. There are just confusing moments that i myself do not understand. Im sorry for being the collateral damage. I am sorry for not being there. Im sorry if i was mad. Im sorry if i wronged you. God knows everything. And i pray that He’ll bless us with a heart like His, full of forgiveness.
I have always been the escapee. Trying to be silent at one corner to make people not notice me. I dont want conversations. I am loyal to a few friends to the point that i feel im being too clingy. I tend to be indecisive. Because i doubt myself. And i have so many fears. I dont know exactly how people see me. (Yeah i have been conscious about that.) But growing into a more mature person made me realize that its not important how they see you. It is on how you see yourself, not based on worldly standards but as God’s unique creation. I learned how to love myself. And I thank God for allowing me to experience His Love. Because as i get to know Him, i get to know what and how love ought to be. And yeah being heart broken at 27 was my turning point. And it really taught me a lot of things. First heartbreak aches. Hahaha!
But you see, the thirty year old me would not be wiser and stronger if not for these wrong decisions. One finds it an excuse maybe, but for me i dont see anything more effective than committing those errors and then seeing the world now in a whole different perspective. A perspective where i feel and fill my purpose. I am a work in progress. I should say. Moving forward was challenging because a girl who have always been in her comfort zone would be totally scared at what life could be outside her cocoon. An overthinker. With zero confidence. A worrier. With dozens of insecurities. Easily intimidated. All the negativities? Name it. She had it. She doesnt know where to go. How to start. A lot of lies have already been fed into her mind thats why she was almost always afraid.
The only thing that kept her constant was God. As consistent and faithful as He is to His children He never have forgotten her. Giving way for His instruments to interfere her way away from Him. Blocking her path to darkness. Pulling her back. He saved her. Jesus did!
Silence isnt actually the problem. It is the ‘ignoring’ thats quite a huh and blah to me. We are friends i know. Im greatly aware of that. But atleast can you say the right goodbyes to me? The end notes. The see you agains. (If you wanna see me ever😂). To laters. Those thatll make a direct point that something has to end. A crystal clear farewell?!
Or isnt that i am clinging to the thought that i am important. I should be. That he cares. Like i care. When to him i am just a ‘friend’. No more and maybe less. The type of friend he can talk to. At his convenient time. At his comfort. Perhaps that was a sign one time i asked him if he was flirting with me. He avoided my question. But continues to flirt. Hey boy, am i your booty call? Please no!
I like him yeah. No doubts about that. And i think im pretty obvious at showing that i do like him. Sometimes i become to caring. Too concern. Therefore seen too attached. Thats why im here writing this now. To vent out. Again. I said i wont care anymore. But i still do. Maybe it was lessened but its still there.
Inhale. Exhale. This too shall pass.